Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
