She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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