So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
