I can tuck mytits in my pants
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Oh god it's open bar.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
