there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
