Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
