just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
