ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
