Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
