I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
