He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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