you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
