i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
