I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
