just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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