Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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