so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
