in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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