GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
