I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
