fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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