I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
