dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
