this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
