Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
