i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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