i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
