This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
