I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
