Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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