what day is it and did you see me today?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
