i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
