She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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