I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
