Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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