I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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