i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
