As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
