I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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