i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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