He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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