I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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