Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
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Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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