How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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