that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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