yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
