Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
