I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
