i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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