It's a beautiful day for a hangover
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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