We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
