My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
