we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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