Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
