if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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